Cosmopolitan: Penis Implants Exist Now, and They Start at a Size Large

Cosmopolitan: Penis Implants Exist Now, and They Start at a Size Large

Because no one wants a small. ​

In one of the biggest (?) medical innovations of our time, a surgeon in Los Angeles has developed a penis implant that promises to give men who let their members go under his knife longer dicks and added girth for the low, low price of $13,000. Dr. James Elist calls his invention the Penuma, and the only sizes it comes in are L, XL, and XXL, because, as he told GQ, “nobody wants a small.”

Elist got FDA approval for the Penuma in 2004, and, as the only doctor who’s approved to perform the 45-minute insertion procedure, has bestowed his invention upon about 1,300 men so far. He’s currently working to get clearance that would let him sell Penuma devices to other doctors, and teach them how to perform the procedure.

And before you start thinking this is like charity work for the genetically damned, a lot of the men who come to Elist for these penis addendums aren’t necessarily small in the first place. GQ spoke to a 39-year-old accountant from Los Angeles who had an 8-inch erection pre-surgery. That’s bigger than the national average of 5.17 inches, and when asked why he wanted to enhance his already superior peen, he said, “I don’t know, I think I just wanted it bigger.”

But, oh, his poor wife feels much differently about the whole ordeal. “I do have to say that it has been a little bit more painful. There may be times when I say, ‘You know what? Don’t touch me with that thing!'” she told GQ. Blow jobs, she added, are even more difficult now.

The Penuma implants have an incredible 95 percent success rate, with very little risk of infection or complications afterward. And most of the complications thus far have resulted from men getting too horned up and not being patient enough to let their lil healing penises recover before taking them out for a spin (typical). Though very rare, there have been terrifying things like implant breakage (2 out of 400 men) and implant perforation of the skin (4 out of 400 men). I do not have a penis, but I imagine both of those things hurt quite a bit.

The procedure seems relatively simple, as well. I keep picturing it as slipping one of those water wiggly tubes we all played with in the ’90s into a living man’s sexual organ, and truthfully, that’s not far off from what it actually is. Elist basically slides the skin off the penis (there’s a thing underneath that skin and God willing I never find out what it looks like) and slips the Penuma (described as ” translucent, hollowed-out hot-dog bun“) in. 

The GQ piece described the peeling back process thusly: “You know the way a condom turns inside out when you peel it off after sex? The skin of your penis, which is attached only at the glans, can be rolled off just like that.” Like peeling the skin off a hot dog!!! The Penuma is then wrapped around the “inner penis” (asldajsdfioea) and attached near the head, so when penis gets hard, the Penuma gets hard with it.

Well, all I really have to say about this is that we are truly living in #blessed days. The world of cosmetic surgery has finally caught up to men, and I truly cannot wait to encounter my first Penuma-endowed guy in the wild. If the implants are as shocking as they say, it shouldn’t be too hard to spot. Eyes on the prize, ladies.